How to Deal With Dating and Children
- By Karla Antelli
- Published 05/13/2010
- Advice
- Unrated
Are you a newly single mom trying to figure out how to navigate back into the dating scene? It's so hard I know. Of course the kids are the most important thing in your life- as they should be! So with that said, what "good looks like to you", is a man that will accept that you have kids. As well, what "good looks like to him", will be a woman that prioritizes her life and her children and is a loving mother. Not every man wants this. Some men prefer to live childless in their own lives, or have already raised children of their own and don't want to do so again. That is their choice. We all have our own idea of what good looks like to us. The key is to put yourself in a position to find good.
With the busy life of a single parent, it might be worth it to give the online dating thing a try. The nice part of that is the people you "meet" will already know that you have children. If one follows the usual protocol of online dating: A few emails, a few phone chats, meeting for coffee or lunch in a safe public place... and then decide on first date, you can even get to know a bit more as far as where they stand as far as kids and family goes.
In my own life, I had occasion to be in this very position. Now that my sons are older and don't live with me, it is a bit easier as far as having a dating life and a family life. But while they were young, I always found it better to keep the kids out of my dating life until I thought things were becoming more serious. I really felt as if the kids did not need to spend time with a man (and perhaps his children) in order for things to not work out and they would lose another person in their lives. I certainly did not hide the kids, or the fact that I had them. But I didn't force them, or my dates into a situation.
When I met a man, or in my online dating profile, I would simply state that I prefer to keep that part of my life separate- at least in the beginning. Obviously, if I had gotten serious/ or get serious with someone, they will meet the kids, and I hope they will form a friendship. Moms do not just have a responsibility to themselves in dating and picking a partner, but to their children as well. Taking things slowly and in steps, I feel, is the best way to begin a new relationship when you have children.
For the first few dates don't have them pick you up at the door, preserve your time with the kids separate from him- if that means you don't see each other as much at first, so be it. Remember the guy for you knows about and understands about your family. After you feel things are moving along well and its time to meet, introduce them in the same way you met. In a non intimidating setting where they can each be relaxed then ease into integrating them in to your life. I personally feel that sleep overs are a no-no until you are truly committed. (Engaged.) Depending on the relationship you have with your ex or your support system, this may be difficult, but I reccomend restraint and discretion here.
Some personal pet peeves of mine that I see on dating profiles of women with kids: (Yes, of course I have looked at women's profiles! Know thy competition they say- besides I teach a class in this stuff!) Anyway, some things that bothered me, and men readers please comment and let me know if I am on the mark here:
1.Shouting from the rooftops that "The kids come first". Duh. I would think that such a thing would be a given with any self respecting woman. I always imagined that would cause a man to wonder why she would feel the need to say such things.
2.Statements such as "If you can't accept my kids, then move on." Another given, and why would one point that out? If he is still looking at your profile that clearly states that you have children, he obviously knows what he is getting into. It makes me think that you had been accustomed to dating losers that want you to ignore the kids. We Diva's don't date losers. We only pick good men.
3.Ditto goes for statements like "No players.", "No cheaters", "No Drama." As if a player will read that, and say to themselves "Ut-oh, I am a cheater-she is way to smart for me better not write her." The mere words no drama attract people that love drama.
Anyway that is just my two cents, one Diva's opinion.
With the busy life of a single parent, it might be worth it to give the online dating thing a try. The nice part of that is the people you "meet" will already know that you have children. If one follows the usual protocol of online dating: A few emails, a few phone chats, meeting for coffee or lunch in a safe public place... and then decide on first date, you can even get to know a bit more as far as where they stand as far as kids and family goes.
In my own life, I had occasion to be in this very position. Now that my sons are older and don't live with me, it is a bit easier as far as having a dating life and a family life. But while they were young, I always found it better to keep the kids out of my dating life until I thought things were becoming more serious. I really felt as if the kids did not need to spend time with a man (and perhaps his children) in order for things to not work out and they would lose another person in their lives. I certainly did not hide the kids, or the fact that I had them. But I didn't force them, or my dates into a situation.
When I met a man, or in my online dating profile, I would simply state that I prefer to keep that part of my life separate- at least in the beginning. Obviously, if I had gotten serious/ or get serious with someone, they will meet the kids, and I hope they will form a friendship. Moms do not just have a responsibility to themselves in dating and picking a partner, but to their children as well. Taking things slowly and in steps, I feel, is the best way to begin a new relationship when you have children.
For the first few dates don't have them pick you up at the door, preserve your time with the kids separate from him- if that means you don't see each other as much at first, so be it. Remember the guy for you knows about and understands about your family. After you feel things are moving along well and its time to meet, introduce them in the same way you met. In a non intimidating setting where they can each be relaxed then ease into integrating them in to your life. I personally feel that sleep overs are a no-no until you are truly committed. (Engaged.) Depending on the relationship you have with your ex or your support system, this may be difficult, but I reccomend restraint and discretion here.
Some personal pet peeves of mine that I see on dating profiles of women with kids: (Yes, of course I have looked at women's profiles! Know thy competition they say- besides I teach a class in this stuff!) Anyway, some things that bothered me, and men readers please comment and let me know if I am on the mark here:
1.Shouting from the rooftops that "The kids come first". Duh. I would think that such a thing would be a given with any self respecting woman. I always imagined that would cause a man to wonder why she would feel the need to say such things.
2.Statements such as "If you can't accept my kids, then move on." Another given, and why would one point that out? If he is still looking at your profile that clearly states that you have children, he obviously knows what he is getting into. It makes me think that you had been accustomed to dating losers that want you to ignore the kids. We Diva's don't date losers. We only pick good men.
3.Ditto goes for statements like "No players.", "No cheaters", "No Drama." As if a player will read that, and say to themselves "Ut-oh, I am a cheater-she is way to smart for me better not write her." The mere words no drama attract people that love drama.
Anyway that is just my two cents, one Diva's opinion.
Karla Antelli
Karla Antelli writes the popular dating advice column The Dating Diva as well as for the Dallas based Examiner. Karla has a novel which will be released in May 2010 titled 100 Men... (Or 400 Dollars) about a 30-somethings experience in the online dating world. She teaches dating workshops across the US based on her simple "3 Point Plan". Email her at TheDatingDiva@hotmail.com with dating questions.
View all articles by Karla Antelli