Doormat to Superbitch in 60 Seconds
- By Karla Antelli
- Published 05/10/2010
- Advice
- Unrated
What happens when you get too caught up in your new guy? One readers comment:
"So I met this really terrific guy! We have been dating for a few months and things are moving along nicely. The trouble is I feel like I am all about him now! I talk in "we" instead of "I" all the time. ...What's even worse is that the other day I noticed myself agreeing with him on a point I really didn't just to be agreeable. Men like agreeable women right? So to keep a guy do you always lose yourself? What happens when I get sick of this and just explode?"
I think most guys don't want a woman that doesn't have her own brain, thoughts, opinions and interests. In fact most of my guy friends would say it is quite a turn-off for them. At the same time they don't want a nag that constantly looks for an argument just to prove she is "independent".
There is a syndrome I talk about in my workshops called "Doormat to Superbitch in 60 seconds." My theory is that often times when we sense we have something good, we like to feign interest in things to be "the cool girlfriend". We also don't want to rock the boat so we let things slide that truly bother us in our belief system.
I'm not talking the leaving-the-seat-up stuff. I am just as capable of putting a seat down as he is of putting it up and to me that would be worth it if that were his biggest flaw!
I am talking about things that offend your core values, blatant respect- showing up on time, honesty. You don't have to agree on everything- of course you have opinions on politics, religion, child raising. If you feel like you have to mute yourself or ignore lack of basic courtesy to keep a happy relationship- is that really the relationship for you?
After we find ourselves doing that for awhile, we start to make our selves sick and angry at ourselves for making us feel like the "doormat". Then in a giant ROAR we decide to stick up for ourselves and our own opinions.
Next thing you know our guy is standing there looking at us as if we have two heads and saying "What do you mean you are sick of all my stupid basketball games- I thought you LOVED basketball?" He is wondering what happened to his sweet, agreeable girl.
We all know what happens next- we become- say it with me now, the guys do- "Psycho girlfriend". Then we get angry at ourselves for that too! (Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.)
So what to do? I try to "Be agreeable with boundaries". All relationships require compromise and only you know what is negotiable to you and what is not. To some women lateness is intolerable and disrespectful, to others its not such a big deal. What defines respect for you? What are your deal-breakers and boundaries? Know those for yourself and when those are pressed explain that in a reasonable and rational way before they become issues. Either he will respect that and adjust, or you will find out he is not the right guy for you. Express your own opinions and be yourself! A guy is not going to dump you because you don't like the same flavor of ice cream as he does. If he says that is why I can assure you it's not the case at all. It's because he is not positively crazy about you and that is not the guy we want- right?
Now go on and watch the game with your guy- (then take him to a chick flick with you!)
"So I met this really terrific guy! We have been dating for a few months and things are moving along nicely. The trouble is I feel like I am all about him now! I talk in "we" instead of "I" all the time. ...What's even worse is that the other day I noticed myself agreeing with him on a point I really didn't just to be agreeable. Men like agreeable women right? So to keep a guy do you always lose yourself? What happens when I get sick of this and just explode?"
I think most guys don't want a woman that doesn't have her own brain, thoughts, opinions and interests. In fact most of my guy friends would say it is quite a turn-off for them. At the same time they don't want a nag that constantly looks for an argument just to prove she is "independent".
There is a syndrome I talk about in my workshops called "Doormat to Superbitch in 60 seconds." My theory is that often times when we sense we have something good, we like to feign interest in things to be "the cool girlfriend". We also don't want to rock the boat so we let things slide that truly bother us in our belief system.
I'm not talking the leaving-the-seat-up stuff. I am just as capable of putting a seat down as he is of putting it up and to me that would be worth it if that were his biggest flaw!
I am talking about things that offend your core values, blatant respect- showing up on time, honesty. You don't have to agree on everything- of course you have opinions on politics, religion, child raising. If you feel like you have to mute yourself or ignore lack of basic courtesy to keep a happy relationship- is that really the relationship for you?
After we find ourselves doing that for awhile, we start to make our selves sick and angry at ourselves for making us feel like the "doormat". Then in a giant ROAR we decide to stick up for ourselves and our own opinions.
Next thing you know our guy is standing there looking at us as if we have two heads and saying "What do you mean you are sick of all my stupid basketball games- I thought you LOVED basketball?" He is wondering what happened to his sweet, agreeable girl.
We all know what happens next- we become- say it with me now, the guys do- "Psycho girlfriend". Then we get angry at ourselves for that too! (Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.)
So what to do? I try to "Be agreeable with boundaries". All relationships require compromise and only you know what is negotiable to you and what is not. To some women lateness is intolerable and disrespectful, to others its not such a big deal. What defines respect for you? What are your deal-breakers and boundaries? Know those for yourself and when those are pressed explain that in a reasonable and rational way before they become issues. Either he will respect that and adjust, or you will find out he is not the right guy for you. Express your own opinions and be yourself! A guy is not going to dump you because you don't like the same flavor of ice cream as he does. If he says that is why I can assure you it's not the case at all. It's because he is not positively crazy about you and that is not the guy we want- right?
Now go on and watch the game with your guy- (then take him to a chick flick with you!)
Karla Antelli
Karla Antelli writes the popular dating advice column The Dating Diva as well as for the Dallas based Examiner. Karla has a novel which will be released in May 2010 titled 100 Men... (Or 400 Dollars) about a 30-somethings experience in the online dating world. She teaches dating workshops across the US based on her simple "3 Point Plan". Email her at TheDatingDiva@hotmail.com with dating questions.
View all articles by Karla Antelli